the slash club
by kyleisgod
Summary: The girls form a certain after school club. Can Stan and Kyle survive its presence? Can Cartman get Kenny kicked out of the club? Read and review!
1. the slash club

The following story is a joint fic written between myself and fellow SP author Oyaji291.

South Park high school was abuzz with speculation. A month earlier an announcement was made that students could form after-school clubs. Everyone who cared wondered what clubs would be created, who would join, and most importantly what the first problem would be.

It was a good idea in theory. The clubs would serve as a deterent to joining gangs and allow students to socialize with like-minded people, while also giving students something to put on a college application. In execution, however, it was a good idea being done in South Park. Because it was South Park, something was bound to go horribly wrong. On day one, the club idea was proven to be flawed. At least in the eyes of one very angry Jewish boy.

A frustrated Kyle Broflovski was punching the hell out of his school locker when Stan Marsh approached him.

"Hey" Stan greeted, drawing Kyle's attention away from destroying school property.

"Hey" he spat back bitterly.

Stan blinked in concern. "You okay?"

Kyle sighed. "No. You know how they're letting us form after school clubs now?"

"Yeah."

"Well that asshole Cartman started the 'I hate Kyle' club!"

"Of course." Stan nodded in understanding. "Well maybe you could start the 'I hate Cartman' club."

Kyle shook his head. "I refuse to sink to Cartman's level."

"what other clubs do they even have?" Stan asked. He didn't actually care, but he knew that asking would keep Kyle's mind off of comitting further acts of rage.

"They have chess," Kyle said with a shrug of his shoulders.

Stan's eyes lit up ever so slightly.

"Chess! Sweet! I'm in!" Stan replied with an excited grin on his face.

The grin quickly faded once Kyle was snickering at him. Attempting to save face, Stan corrected himself.

"...I-I mean that's cool I guess."

Kyle smiled at his pal. "S'okay. I knew you'd wanna join anyway."

The redhead reached into his banged up locker and produced a chess club signup sheet for his friend. Stan pulled a pen from his back pocket and eagerly signed his name.

Their minds now both focused on clubs, the boys looked around the hallway. Fliers, signup sheets, and even banners for clubs adorned the walls. One club name in particular caught Stan's attention.

"The slash club?"

"The what?" A curious Kyle replied.

Stan walked over to the brightly colored banner advertising the group. Kyle followed him. They stared at the current list of members.

"Wow, a lot of the girls joined that." Kyle observed.

"What is it?"

Kyle blinked. "I dunno. Some horror movies are called 'slasher' films. Maybe it's a club for that?"

Stan shook his head. "Nah. Then it'd be the 'slasher' club."

Kyle shrugged. "Well, so far it looks like some stupid girl thing."

Stan shook his head and pointed his finger. "Nah-uh. Butters is in it too."

Kyle looked at the paper again. "You think we should join?"

"Why? It's just a bunch of stupid girls and Butters. It'll totally suck."

"Yeah" Kyle agreed. "Anything with Butters in it usually does."

"Well the hell with it then, we're not going."

And that was that.

Or was it?

The slash club members met up after school in the designated classroom. The group, with the exception of Butters, was composed entirely of girls.

"Rabble, rabble, rabble!" the girls chattered as they took their seats. Finally, the person who started the club pounded a gavel on a desk to get everyone's attention.

That person was Wendy Testaburger.

Wendy flashed a smile toward the group and began the first meeting.

"Hi everyone!" she greeted. "Thanks for coming. I'm the founder of this club."

Bebe raised her hand. Wendy was her best friend, so she knew she could get away with questioning her authority right off the bat.

"I thought teachers usually formed these clubs?" the blonde asked.

"They do." Wendy admitted. "Or they supervise. But the teachers here happen to trust me. Now, I'm sure you all know why we're here."

"We sure do!" Butters announced cheerfully.

Everyone briefly stared at him, since he was the only male member of the group.

"...W-what?" he asked, embarrassed.

Wendy continued. "We're all here for the first meeting of the slash club!"

"YAY!" the girls exclaimed.

"Y-yay!" Butters said too a second later, desperately trying to fit in.

"Now then, we have to attend to the first matter of business." Wendy said.

"Paper hats?" one girl asked.

"Macaroni pictures?" Bebe said.

Wendy shook her head. "Something much more important."

Everyone in the room leaned forward in their desks, anxiously waiting to hear the first official matter of the slash club.

"Getting Stan and Kyle together." 


	2. joining the club

A few days later, Kenny McCormick was making the most of his lunch period. Or at least that's what he thought he was doing. While most people used their lunch period to eat lunch and socialize, Kenny spent his free time away from class reading a porno magazine. It was nothing new for him.

"What the HELL kind of porn is that, Kenny?"

The blonde instinctively turned his head to see who was questioning him about his indistinguishable fetish periodical, but the distinct voice of Eric Cartman gave the answer away already. Kenny had only the most mature of responses for him.

"The kind your mom makes."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Oh whatever. She hasn't done any porns since 1998."

"'99" Ken corrected.

Cartman actually chose to continue the odd argument once he sat down.

"No dude, '98."

Kenny shook his head. "we saw the German video in 1999."

"It was predated though. Duh!"

Kenny blinked. "Shit, you're right."

"Jesus Cartman." Stan commented as he and Kyle approached the table next. "How do you know so much about your mom's porn?"

"Fuck you!" he snarled.

Kenny turned a page in his porn mag. Whatever he saw next, it reminded him of the topic he was about to switch to.

"You guys join any of those new clubs?"

Stan grinned. "Yep! I'm in chess. Are you gonna join any?"

Cartman snickered. "Chess? Oh my god dude."

"There's nothing wrong with chess, fat boy." Stan defended.

"Sure there is." Cartman explained to him. "God hates it, because only fags play it, and God hates fags."

"God doesn't hate chess!" Kyle exclaimed. "In fact, chess has been around for centuries as a creative and constructive recreation of several different wartime events and-"

Kyle was cut off by a loud yawn from Cartman.

"Oh Jesus, that's TOTALLY interesting Kyle. Tell me more."

"I'm just saying-"

Cartman yawned again to make sure the story couldn't continue.

"I hate you." Kyle stated quickly before giving up the fight.

With that fight over, Kenny was finally allowed to answer Stan's previous question.

"I kinda wanna join the slash club. A bunch of chicks are in it."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "You would join a club just because girls are in it. These clubs are meant for social interaction and to give you something to put on a college application. At least Stan joined a club to stimulate the mind."

Kenny grinned from ear to ear.

"HAR HAR HAR, I SAID 'STIMULATES'!" the redhead broadcast sarcastically. "God dude, grow up."

"Hey Kenny?" Stan asked. "What is the slash club anyway?"

Kenny dropped his magazine. "Oh. Heh. Don't worry about it dude. You don't wanna know."

"Why not?" Kyle asked. He once again began scowling at Cartman. "Is it like the 'I hate Kyle' club?"

Kenny shook his head. "No not like..."

Kenny paused. He could tell his Jewish pal was agitated thanks to Cartman. That was no surprise, but Kyle was starting to lash out at others because of it. Kenny included, and the blonde didn't care for that at all. Added to the fact that Ken didn't care much for Eric Cartman to begin with, and he decided then and there to achieve a measure of revenge on behalf of everyone who Cartman had ever pissed off.

"...Yeah! Actually Cartman, the slash club's a LOT like that."

Cartman smirked. "Really? Well it's about damn time those girls realized how evil Jews are."

Kyle could only growl from across the table as Cartman stood up to leave.

"Thank you Kenny. I think I'm gonna go sign up right now." he announced, doing his best to rub it in Kyle's face.

Kenny held back his laughter until Cartman was out of ear shot. How he had managed to hold back his amusement that long, he had no idea.

"What?" Kyle glanced at him, still feeling annoyed.

Kenny winked at his friend. "All you have to know is that he'll probably smack me after the club meeting's over."

If only it were going to be that simple. 


	3. kyle x mole

The slash club met again the next day, but with two new members on its roster. Kenny dreamed of picking up slash-loving females. He certainly had his pick of girls within the group to choose from. Cartman dreamed of girls too, but only when they were helping him kill Kyle. Cartman didn't actually care what this group did so long as they did it with prejudice toward that dirty Jew. The boys couldn't help but wear huge grins on their faces as they stood at the front of the classroom, ready to be introduced to the other club members by Wendy.

"Everyone, I'm proud to announce that we have two new members." Wendy declared. "And, both of them are male."

"YAY!" the girls squealed in delight.

"What're we gonna do first?" Cartman asked, sounding quite excited. "If we're gonna exterminate the Jews, I suggest bringing some nazis into town. I've been converting townspeople to the party for months now but-"

"Cartman, please." Wendy interrupted. "I'm the founder of this club. That means I speak."

"You sit and roll over too, bitch. What's your point?"

Needless to say she slapped Cartman hard across his face for the remark. So hard it caused him to fall to the floor. Smiling sweetly, Wendy continued what she was saying as though nothing had just happened.

"Now then, even though our main focus is on Stan and Kyle, I think we should expand our horizons. What other boys could we help put together?"

Bebe raised her hand. To no one's surprise, Wendy called on her friend first.

"I was actually thinking about that. Why does Kyle have to be with Stan?"

"Because they're perfect for each other and they don't realize it yet." Wendy explained.

"H'yeah!" Butters agreed. "I-I once saw them reach for the same spoon at lunch. If that doesn't scream lovers, I-I don't know what the heck does."

"...Right." Heidi Turner replied. She was clearly humoring Butters in a very snobbish tone of voice. "Who let you in here again?" she asked, already tired of his presence.

Bebe bravely pushed the issue. "I just think Kyle would be hot with other guys too. Like the Mole."

The other girls in the room nodded in agreement.

Wendy blinked. "The who?" She never did get to meet the Frenchman on his one adventure with the boys.

Bebe sighed happily. "ONLY the dreamiest of suave French men on this entire planet."

Wendy growled slightly at the defiance of her authority. "Well, I hate French guys, but okay. What does he do?"

"Oh, well um..." Bebe thought a moment.

"He swears a lot." Porsche finished for her.

Wendy scoffed. "And that makes him good with Kyle because...?"

"Well, this one time, Kyle held him when he was dying." Heidi explained.

"Well did he show concern for this 'Mole' person's character at all?"

"Wendy, he's French." Bebe argued. "That makes him totally gay AND totally sexy."

"He can say lovey things to Kyle in French!" another girl cried out.

"Oh my god! sooo cute!" another added.

"Actually I find the notion of Kyle and Mole completely ridiculous. Considering the Mole's hatred for a homosexual deity and-"

"Shut up, Rebecca!" Bebe growled.

"Yeah bitch, stop ruining it for the rest of us!" Sally Turner said.

Wendy banged her gavel down on a desk, drawing everyone's attention back to her where it should be.

"Well that's too bad, because the first pairing we're putting together is Stan and Kyle."

"Why?" Red asked.

"Because I'm the creator of this club, and I say so! Besides, if we can't even get those two together, we have no hope for future pairings."

"What the fuck are you guys talking about? When are we gonna start killing Kyle?" Cartman demanded to know as he finally got back to his feet.

Butters tilted his head. "Kill Kyle?"

Cartman nodded. "That's what Kenny said we do here. Hate on Kyle."

Everyone in the room stared at Cartman strangely. A few club members burst into laughter.

"Hate on Kyle?" Bebe asked. "We don't do that here."

Cartman slowly approached her desk. "...You don't?"

"No. In fact, we love Kyle here."

Cartman glared over at Kenny, then focused back on Bebe. "You love Kyle?"

"Yeah!" all the girls agreed in unison, along with Butters.

"Why!" Cartman questioned. "He's a dirty, day-walking Jew rat!"

"Because he's totally made for someone ELSE we love!" Porsche cheered.

"Yeah!" Bebe agreed. "In fact, you'd probably be really good with him too Cartman."

"...HUH!" The fat boy's jaw dropped open immediately.

"Yeah, Eric on Kyle is hot!" Kenny falsely exclaimed, giggling under his breath.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Cartman pointed an accusing finger at Kenny. "What the FUCK kinda gay cult have you gotten me into!"

"It's not a cult!" Wendy hissed at him. "It's a club for slash lovers."

"It's the same thing!" he countered.

"It is not!" she argued.

"Well I'm not being a member of any club that supports Kyle Broflovski. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"But it supports you too, Eric," Kenny replied, trying not to laugh.

"Aww!" Red exclaimed. "He called him Eric! That totally means he wants Cartman to be his boyfriend."

Cartman cringed on his way back toward the door.

"Yeah, sure." Ken smirked. "That fat ass of his? It's just more of him to love."

"Gah!" Cartman hunched over, feeling weaker. He struggled to reach the doorknob.

Amused by Cartman's reactions, Wendy decided to join in on the fun.

"You look pretty sick, Cartman. Maybe some lesbian femslash would help?"

He couldn't take it anymore. Cartman violently puked into a nearby trashcan before falling to the floor. The slash had overpowered him.

BUtters reached a hand out curiously and poked Cartman's unconscious body.

"Aww he's all doughy."

"This meeting's adjourned." Wendy announced, banging her gavel one more time. Following the secret handshake of the club members, everyone exited over Cartman's seemingly lifeless body.

"See you tomorrow." Kenny waved down to his friend.

"...Hate you Kenny..." he whispered weakly in response.

Once he got back up, his revenge on Kenny would be a lot stronger.

TO BE CONTINUED 


	4. kenny x butters

As Kenny sat down with Stan and Kyle the next day at lunch, he couldn't help but wear a huge grin on his face. It was the first time he'd seen either of them since playing his clever joke on Cartman. He was sure his friends would burst into hysterics when they heard the story.

"It's too bad you guys aren't in the slash club," Kenny said.

Kyle and Stan both stared at him strangely.

"...Ew" Kyle replied with a shudder.

"You're sick dude." Stan added.

Kenny giggled. "I guess that means you figured out what the club is."

"How could we not?" Kyle said in a somewhat annoyed tone. "A bunch of dumb girls keep following us around and going 'Aww!' whenever me and Stan do stuff together."

Kenny laughed again. "Awww!"

"Fuck you! Why the hell did they pick US anyway!" Stan growled.

Kenny shrugged. "I don't fuckin' know. Cuz you guys are hot?"

Stan and Kyle glared in unison.

"Dude, don't say that." Kyle demanded.

"I have to." the blonde defended.

"Why?" they asked, once again in perfect sync with each other.

"It's a great way to get chicks."

"Well you'd better tell that to Butters." Stan replied with a grin and a point of his finger. "I think you have a new admirer."

Ken scoffed at Stanley's suggestion, until he turned around to see what Stan was pointing at. Butters was seated a few tables away from the boys, having lunch by himself as usual. His gaze wasn't directed at his food though. Instead, he was staring dreamily across the room. His eyes were totally focused on Kenny until the very second he noticed Kenny noticing him back. His focus quickly shifted to some mashed potatoes, and Kenny turned back around to face his friends.

"I think it's kinda sweet." Stan said.

Kenny smiled. "You would, pussy. How's your gay club going anyway?"

"My non-gay chess club is going great actually. Kyle kicked my ass though."

"AWW!"

Stan and Kyle jumped in their seats. Their heads reluctantly turned. Much to their dismay, they found that same large group of girls that Kyle referred to earlier suddenly gathered right behind them.

"God dammit, what!" Kyle demanded of the slash club members. "There's nothing sexy or romantic about playing chess!"

"But he did something to your ass!" Red cried.

"I just said he -kicked- my ass!" Stan repeated.

"And not even literally." Kyle said.

Bebe replied on behalf of the group next.

"Well, you were still sitting across from each other at the chess table. Staring into each other's eyes. Your hands getting close to holding while you moved the pieces..."

The girls let out a collective squeal of joy. Stan and Kyle looked at each other in concern for their safety. The girls went "AWWWW" again upon seeing the boys glance at one another. Kenny didn't join in the discussion at all. He was too busy snickering at the misfortune of his pals.

"Jesus christ! Come on, let's get the hell away from these bitches!" Kyle exclaimed. He gripped Stan by the shirt collar and dragged him off, much to the further delight of the girls.

"Did you hear that! They want to get away from us!" one girl repeated in excitement.

"Yeah! That means they wanna be alone with each other!" another girl giggled.

Stan and Kyle groaned in annoyance and began walking away from the table even faster.

Kenny remained at the table and smirked. He may not have gotten to tell the guys his story about Cartman, but now he was surrounded by a gaggle of hot girls. He decided to take advantage of the situation.

"Good thing I'm not in denial like them, huh? You girls wanna join me for lunch?"

The ladies looked at one another, shrugging.

"Can we talk about how much you love boys?" Rebecca asked.

Ken blinked. "Um, yeah sure. Boys."

Butters jumped at the chance to join his fellow club members at the table. He also knew how to take advantage of a situation. He made sure to take a seat next to Kenny.

"H'yeah! Let's talk about all kindsa boys!" Butters said with a smile.

Kenny just sighed, allowing Butters to sit with him and potentially ruin some of his action with the ladies.

"God dammit!" Eric Cartman shouted. "How do girls and fags do this!" he asked the mirror in the boys bathroom of the school.

After a bit more struggling, Cartman finally managed to pull the pink half-shirt over his head. It was tight as hell, but he had to look the part if his revenge plot was going to succeed. Some glitter across the chest of the shirt informed the world that Cartman believed he was a 'hottie.' He gave his hair, which had been feathered slightly, a quick combing as he checked himself out in the mirror.

"You're so hot." Cartman commented to his reflection. He was apparently oblivious to the belly sticking out over the front of his short-shorts.

The bell rang. School was now out, but the after-school clubs were just getting started. The slash club would be meeting soon.

This was going to be the greatest revenge ever. 


	5. cartman x kenny

Cartman gleefully skipped down the hallway to the next slash club meeting. He hated skipping, but he had to keep up appearances. In his mind, skipping around in glittery pink half-shirts and short-shorts was what those people did. A few students loudly protested Cartman's prancing, since it caused his exposed stomach to disgustingly flop around. He paid them no attention. It would all be worth it once he got his revenge.

Cartman stood outside the classroom, watching as the girls entered one by one. He made sure to flip off Wendy as she walked inside. She growled in response. Though he would never admit it to a soul, Cartman actually had quite a bit of respect for Wendy. Even though she knocked him to the floor the other day, she also took control of a defiant classroom. When the other girls questioned the pairing of Stan and Kyle, Wendy put them in their places. Based on what Eric saw in the hallways earlier that day, it appeared that the girls were now following Kyle and Stan around going "Aww!" all the time. They were doing what they were told. It was proof that Wendy ruled that slash club with an iron fist, just like how Cartman ran his Kyle club. Wendy even hit those who mouthed off to her, which Eric also liked and respected.

Come to think of it, Wendy had hit only Cartman so far. Eric smiled as he thought about that. He kind of liked to believe that somehow made him special in Wendy's book. He didn't have much time to dwell on the hippie though. Kenny was approaching the door.

"Sup Eric? What the fuck are you wearing that for?" Kenny asked.

"Don't call me Eric. Ever. Again." Cartman growled.

"Heh. Oh come on dude. It was just a joke."

"You think you're funny! You humiliated me you poor asshole! No! Worse than that. You gave me false hope that lots more people at this school hated Kyle."

Kenny shrugged. "And you were stupid enough to believe it."

Cartman glared. "If you think I'm gonna let you get away with that, you're wrong."

Kenny sighed on the way into the room. "Whatever Cartman. Get over it."

Cartman walked in right behind Kenny and took a strategic seat next to him. Butters took his own carefully planned seat on the other side of his fellow blonde.

As she went to the front of the room to start the meeting, Wendy stared at Cartman with confusion on her face. She assumed bugging her was his only reason for hanging around outside the room before.

"You came back?" she questioned.

Cartman gasped, as though he were surprised at the question. "Oh my god of course I did! I couldn't be without my little Ken doll here."

Kenny blinked. "What?"

Cartman slipped one of his large arms around Kenny's waist, making sure to slightly push on his ribs. Kenny cringed from the touch. Now gaining the full attention of Wendy and the rest of the club, Cartman elaborated.

"That's right, me and Kenny are together. The other day when he said my ass was more of me to love? We put it to the test. And if ANY of you bitches so much as TALK to my man, I'll make you eat your parents!"

Cartman snapped his fingers for emphasis at the end of his threat. Again, it was what those people did.

Wendy stared at them momentarily before replying. "Well, um, congratulations on finding a partner. Personally I thought Kenny would've had better taste."

"AY!"

"Now let's begin the meeting."

Wendy began blathering on about something or other, but Kenny and Cartman were currently more concerned with whispering to each other.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kenny wondered.

"Getting my revenge of course."

"You're not getting a fucking revenge by acting gay."

Cartman smirked in what he assumed would soon be triumph. "You joined this club to meet girls. By the time I'm done being your dangerously possessive boyfriend, these skanks won't even look at you."

Kenny growled angrily. Two could play at this little game. Kenny was poor, and one thing poor people knew how to do was hustle. Why just the other day he had successfully conned Cartman, who was considered by many to be the ultimate con man. Surely Kenny could bullshit his way out of Cartman's little boyfriend trap. But how to do it without blowing his cover and revealing himself a heterosexual?

Thinking quickly, Kenny hooked his arm around a surprised Butters and raised his voice so he'd be heard by the whole room.

"For the last time, no I will not make out with you Cartman! My BOYFRIEND is sitting right next to me for God's sake!"

The girls stared at the three interlocked boys. Some smiled in awe, while some were just confused. Porsche especially, but that was nothing new.

Butters raised an eyebrow. "Really Kenny? I-I'm your boyfriend now?"

"Yeah sure," Kenny replied. He hugged Butters to his body, making the boy giggle.

"Cartman is trying to cut in on our action! That's not right! I propose a tar and feathering!"

Cartman glared at Kenny's suggestion, but continued playing along with Kenny's bullshit. No way was Cartman going to allow himself to be outsmarted twice. He paused for dramatic effect, and then 'hurtfully' replied.

"...Your...Your boyfriend? Since when! Kenny, I'm hurt. How could you do this to me? To US!"

Eric stood up and skipped around to the other side of the desk, glaring down accusingly at Butters.

"HOME WRECKER!" he cried as tears began welling up in his eyes. "You stole my man! Or maybe my man's just a dirty cheating dog like ALL men! Am I right sisters!"

Some of the girls nodded while a few other ones just stayed silent.

"You just WISH I was EVER into you as much as Butters!" Kenny said.

Cartman continued to sob. Kenny rolled his eyes at the fat boy's theatrics. How Eric was forcing those tears out he'd never know. Ken turned things up a notch by holding Butters' hand, making Butters blush from all the sudden attention.

"Well it looks like we have a problem here." Wendy admitted.

"You're god damn right we do! Cartman's jealous of Butters, so he's starting shit!" Kenny accused.

"Yeah!" Bebe agreed. "Stop trying to ruin their love, Cartman!"

"Ruin it? Kenny's inability to keep it in his pants is what ruined OUR love! He cheated on me! Cheated with this little manwhore!"

"Well, that's not good to do either if it's true." Sally Turner admitted.

Wendy nodded. "Like I said, we have a problem here. We don't need our own little soap opera screwing up this club."

Kenny's eyes went wide, realizing that the room was slowly becoming divided. His side of the room was filled with insanely hot, huge busted chicks. The other side of the room, the side seemingly believing Cartman's version of the fictional story, was filled with insanely cute, completely underage chicks. Ken couldn't decide whose support he wanted more.

"I say we have a trial." Wendy decided. "The one found guilty of starting trouble is going to have to leave the club."

"What!" Kenny exclaimed, glaring at Cartman. "Yeah, because we all know Cartman really wants to be in this fucking club."

Cartman sniffled. "Not if I have to stare at YOUR cheating face every day!"

"You're so full of shit!"

"SILENCE!" Wendy demanded.

Cartman smiled a bit. There she went again taking charge. God, what a woman.

"You'll both get your turns to present your cases." Wendy promised them. "Oh, and I liked that tar and feathering idea. The loser gets that too."

"Girls, I-I'm sorry." Cartman choked out. "I can't...I can't look at him right now. I can't be in this meeting. It's too much for me." he feigned. Of course that was a lie, but it was a chance to get away from all these stupid girls and their love of fags.

"All right Cartman, you're excused from the meeting." Wendy said. Whether his words were true or not, it was a chance to be rid of him.

A happy and oblivious Butters put his hand on Kenny's knee, wanting to return the random PDA he had been shown by his new boyfriend.

"Later queers" Cartman quietly hissed at Kenny and Butters before exiting the room.

With Cartman gone, Kenny's mind was now able to focus on the situation at hand. If things went wrong he could lose his spot in the club. He could lose everything. He gave a small sigh before his brain finally focused in on Butters and the placement of his hand.

"...Um, that's my knee dude."

Butters smiled. "Y-yeah I know. Why, that's where boyfriends' hands are s'pposed to go silly."

Kenny groaned, now realizing that he still had the problem of a 'boyfriend' to deal with before he could hit on the girls again.

"Oh...Uh, yeah I guess so." he replied. "But stop it okay? The meeting's going on."

"No way!" Bebe protested with a smile. "I like where this is going."

"Yeah!" a few of the other girls chimed in.

Butters blushed. "You hear that boyfriend? The club says we oughta keep goin' with it."

Kenny nervously gulped. "Um..."

Butters quickly made his way into Kenny's lap. He began running his fingers through the boy's hair. Kenny looked around the room. All eyes were focused on him. Some of the girls had even moved their desks closer. All of them wanted to get a good view of the impromptu performance. Hazed, dreamlike expressions formed on the girls faces as Butters' lips suddenly pressed against Kenny's mouth, drawing Ken's attention back to the boy immediately.

"MMM!" Kenny protested. "Mm-mmm!" he complained in a muffled, frantic tone. Luckily it all looked and sounded like pleasure to the girls. Kenny groaned, strongly fighting the urge to smack Butters for his actions. He couldn't do that. He had to keep up appearances for the club, no matter how disgusting the acts might be. Besides, Butters was a good kid. Kenny shut his eyes and hesitantly returned the kiss, trying to picture himself making out with anyone besides Butters.

"Excuse me!" Wendy exclaimed, scowling at the two boys in front of her. "Need I remind you that this is a school classroom I've been entrusted with, not some cheap motel!"

"That's what makes it sexy!" Red cried out happily.

Kenny saw this as a perfect chance to pull away from the kiss, which he gladly did.

"NO! I-I mean, Wendy's right! We're in the middle of class here."

"Aww!" the girls said again, this time in disappointment. Everyone returned to their usual seats, and the meeting got back underway as planned.

"Psst!"

The blonde boys turned their heads around to see who was whispering to them. It was Heidi Turner. She opened up the top of her desk and grinned.

"If you guys need it for later, I have some condoms and lube in here."

Kenny glared at her, while Butters just smiled at the thought. For once, Kenny hated that one of the girls in school was such a huge slut. 


	6. i hate kyle

The classroom reserved for slash club meetings was directly across from the room being used for the 'I hate Kyle' club. Cartman's acquistion of the adjacent meeting area was no coincidence. In his opinion the lack of walking between club meetings was a sweet deal. The closeness of the rooms also gave Cartman an excuse he needed to be near Wendy and Kenny, in addition to being around people who hated Kyle as much as he did. Cartman was literally keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. Well, more like his enemy and his crush who was also his sometimes-enemy. Whatever though. The point is it was a brilliant plan and Cartman believed he was a brilliant person for thinking of it.

About an hour after putting on his award-winning performance for the slashers, Cartman's 'I hate Kyle' club was ready to meet for the first time. Cartman had changed back into his regular clothes and was ready to assert his "authoritah" over the other members of the group.

All two of them. Including Cartman himself.

"I don't even go to this school yet. Why am I here again?"

The question came from the adopted brother of Kyle, Ike Broflovski.

"Because Kyle used to kick you as a child," Cartman reminded him.

"So?" Ike replied. He didn't seem to care about past events in his childhood. Possibly because all those kick the baby games resulted in brain damage and the inability to remember much of anything long-term.

Cartman sighed. He would obviously have to do a little bargaining in order to keep his second member. He should've expected as much from a Jew.

"And because I'll give you candy," he offered.

"CANDY! CANDY!" Ike literally jumped for joy out of his chair.

Cartman lightly slapped the younger boy in order to calm him down and keep him in line.

"Quit it dude! You get candy AFTER the meeting."

"Aww!" Ike said with a pout.

"Now, the first order of business is increasing membership."

Believing he could be of assistance in that area, Ike raised his hand.

"I've got like ten e-mails that say they can do that."

"No god dammit! I don't give a crap about your penis! I'm talking about members in the club!"

"Oh. Well where the hell are you gonna find them at? Kyle's pretty liked you know."

"If all goes as planned I should have some sympathy signups from the slash club."

"Pff, yeah right."

"Huh?"

"Unless you have something super gay happening here, they won't give a shit."

Cartman didn't like having his wonderful duel-scheme dismissed as though it were nothing. He scowled and thought up an insulting response to hurl Ike's way, because arguing with a middle schooler was the only mature thing to do in this situation.

"What, you mean something super gay BESIDES you?"

"Hey! Fuck you asshole! From what the school is saying you're a much bigger queer than I am!"

"At least when I do it it's just pretend!"

Ike raised an eyebrow, confused. "Huh?"

"That's why the slashers are going to love me," Cartman explained. "Soon I'll convince them that I was romantically involved with Kenny, and that he broke my heart. After that his love life will be ruined, and I'll get the signups for the Kyle club as a bonus."

"No you won't," Ike said.

Cartman growled at the mouthy little brat. Did this kid not realize that Cartman could easily destroy him? He was much larger, stronger, and arguably smarter. Ike should respect his authority!

"God dammit shut the hell up!" the fat boy commanded.

Before Ike could respond again, Kyle Swartz entered the room.

"Excuse me?"

Cartman turned his head toward the door. A look of disgust instantly came over his face.

"Kyle's cousin?"

"Yeah! I'm baaack!"

Cartman and Ike both groaned at this news.

"What do you want?" Cartman asked.

"Well I saw the sign on your door. I was just wondering if the 'I hate Kyle' club applies to everyone named Kyle or just my cousin. Ya know because I don't wanna be hated and I'm a Kyle also so I-"

"Get the fuck out, Jew!" Cartman barked.

Kyle took the hint and turned around, looking sad.

Upon hearing that a 'Jew' was supposed to leave the area, Ike stood up as well and headed for the door.

"Fine!"

Upon realizing his mistake of not specifying which Jew, Cartman gave a slight retraction.

"God dammit Ike, stay here!"

"No," Ike replied.

"What?"

"No. This club is lame anyway. Come on Kyle."

"Bye" Kyle said.

"Wait! God dammit..."

Cartman took a deep breath. Hanging out with these losers went against everything he stood for, but his club had to start gaining power. To do that, Cartman needed a lot of support from a lot of people. That had to start somewhere too.

"All right fine!" Cartman spat angrily. "You can both be in the club!"

"Hurray!" Kyle exclaimed. It was one thing to not be hated by the club, but to actually be accepted as a member just like that? He had to take advantage.

Ike shrugged. "If I still get candy..."

The boys reentered the room and joined Cartman at the table. Eric took a look at his newest members. The meeting hadn't even been going on five minutes and membership had already doubled.

"Yes. Now this club is really taking off," he boasted.

As the creator and leader of the slash club, Wendy had power. She had power and she liked it very much. She wasn't about to let it slip out of her grasp.

This was getting out of hand. First she gets questioned by club members. Then Cartman and Kenny have their little lover's quarrel in the middle of her club meeting. Then, Butters and Kenny make a public spectacle of themselves in the classroom that she was entrusted with by school faculty. On top of it all, Stan and Kyle were still not together romantically. Or even physically. No one was listening to Wendy, and she didn't like it. They should be listening to her! She was the creator of the damn slash club!

Wendy had been on the phone all day, but it was going to be worth it when her master plan came together. Phase one was already completed. She had successfully convinced Kyle's cousin to come back to South Park for a few days. Of course the other Broflovskis would let him stay at their house while he was in town, and of course redheaded Kyle would want to get the hell away from his annoying cousin. where would he go to do that?

Stan's house, of course.

Now it was time for phase two. Wendy stopped off at a camera shop on her way to the Stotch residence. She and Butters would go over to the Marsh house tonight and keep watch. She hadn't informed Butters of his involvement in this plan yet, but he was coming along whether he wanted to or not. Wendy would see to that. She felt that Butters owed her after his little public display of affection.

Once they were alone together overnight, things were bound to happen between Kyle and Stan. When they did, Wendy would capture it on film. She would be the first person with real-life, photographic evidence of Stan and Kyle together. Such a thing would surely silence all the critics and prove that Wendy was right about those two. And that she gets what she wants. In a matter of hours, Wendy would win back any lost respect from her fellow club members.

Wendy was bringing Butters along on the mission for two reasons. One, to confirm with a second pair of eyes and ears that the boys had gotten together. And two, to keep herself protected. Not that Wendy Testaburger needed help from a man, but she would be a woman out at night alone otherwise. She wasn't about to take that chance.

Tonight would go great, provided nothing screwed it up.

So, of course, something had to. 


	7. stan x kyle AKA the history of slash

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hard-core Stan and Kyle fans, and hard-core South Park fans in general, have probably noticed moments in the show where Kyle's voice comes out of Stan's mouth and vice versa. I reference that event in this chapter, so if you read it and get confused, that's what I'm talking about. You can see an example of the vocal screw up for yourselves in the South Park movie. I'm pretty sure it was never fixed there.

That night, just as Wendy anticipated, Kyle was over the Marsh residence for dinner. Through two pairs of binoculars Wendy and Butters were able to keep a vigilant watch on the slash club's favorite pairing from behind some bushes at the front of the house. Thanks to a pair of hidden microphones Wendy managed to sneak inside the pockets of Stan and Kyle's discarded pants during their gym class, she and Butters could also hear what was going on inside. Clearly, Wendy had been too influenced by Eric Cartman.

Inside the house, Kyle was seated next to Stan at the dining room table. The Marshes ate some kind of potato dish and talked. Randy Marsh gave a hearty laugh.

"Boy, I just love that ethnic comedy," he said. "Hey Stan, why's your Jewish friend here again? Oh wait, let me guess. He came for the free food right?"

Kyle growled under his breath in response.

"His cousin's in town so he's staying away from home as much as possible," Stan explained.

As he spoke again, Randy's tone suddenly turned quite serious and remorseful.

"Oh. I'm sorry. Did he...touch you as a child?"

A shocked Kyle dropped a fork full of potato. "No dude! He's just annoying! What the hell!"

"AWWW!"

Upon hearing the much hated sound, Stan and Kyle reluctantly looked over toward the back window of the house. Sure enough, a few members of the slash club were gathered outside.

"What the hell are they doing here?" Wendy asked.

"The same thing we're doin' here: Lookin' at boys," Butters answered.

While Butters and Wendy tried to remain hidden at the front side of the house, the other slashers made no such attempt. That is, unless their way of remaining unseen was to fog up the back window with their breath. A brief, awkward silence fell over the Marsh family table. It wasn't every day a group of girls hung outside the house freely observing the every move of two boys.

"Who are all those girls?" Sharon Marsh asked.

"The slash club," Kyle said, leaving it at that.

"God dammit, leave us alone!" Stan hollered at the club members.

"They're having dinner together!" one slasher shouted. "Oh my God that's sooo cute!"

Kyle sighed. "Don't you guys have anything better to do? Get a hobby!"

"We have one! For your information, ass bandit, some of us are artists," Pink Parka Girl said.

"Yeah!" Bebe agreed.

Kyle blinked. "Artists?"

Bebe nodded. "Here, look at this picture I drew."

The blonde held a hand-drawn sketch up against the window. It was a full-color, rather sexually graphic drawing of an unclothed Stan and Kyle kissing each other. The fan girls all squealed with delight. The boys in question both shouted "EWW!" in unified disgust at what they saw themselves doing.

"Oh my God! They know exactly what the other is gonna say and do!" Lola cried out, referring to the boys' perfect timing.

"That's not true!"

Strangely, even though it was Stan who responded to the comment, it was Kyle's voice that came out of his mouth when he spoke. A shocked Stanley clamped a hand over his mouth.

"AWWWW!"

"All right, you girls get home," Sharon finally insisted. She shut the blinds to the window, trying to restore some order. A decreasing number of giggles let everyone inside know that the gaggle of slashers were departing.

Stan sighed. "Thanks mom."

Kyle growled again; this time louder and angrier.

The dinner resumed as normal. Suddenly, Randy broke the silence by posing an interesting question.

"Why do slashers always make the people in their drawings look Japanese?"

"I like it," Shelly replied. "Anime style is cute if people do it right."

"It hardly even looked like us!" Stan protested, then blinked. "Wait, what?"

Kyle blinked too, taking in the conversation.

"Why are we talking about this? Mister Marsh, you talked about the pictures. You...You -know- about the slash club?"

"Sure! I remember when they wanted me to join one when I was in school."

Sharon sighed happily. "Oh yes, those were the days."

Stan cocked his head to the side. "Wait. They had a slash club back then?"

Randy nodded. "In my day, Stuart and Gerald were the pair they were obsessed with."

"You didn't join did you?" Kyle worried.

Randy frowned. "No. As it turned out none of them thought I was hot with another guy. They only wanted me in the club to get the ball rolling for Gerald and Stuart. Children can be...very cruel."

"...Ew," Stan finally remarked. "Do you think that's why Kenny's in our slash club?"

Randy shook his head. "Kenny's probably there to meet some girls. Now that Butters kid on the other hand, he's a total flamer."

Butters gasped, then frowned with growing concern. "That stuff ain't true is it?"

Wendy looked at him. "Well honestly, you are kind of a queen..."

"No no, the stuff about Kenny! He isn't there to meet girls is he?"

"Not now Butters!" the female suddenly insisted. Wendy adjusted her ear piece to hear better inside. Apparently there was an important development happening.

Kyle put his hand to his head, feeling a headache coming on. "I don't believe this. How long has this 'slash' crap been going on for!"

"Boys, slash actually has a very rich history," Sharon said. "The first slash story ever written was for the original Star Trek."

"That's right. In fact, that story was also the first fan fiction," Randy added.

"...What's fan fiction?" Stan asked, quite fearful of what else that group of women could be doing with his name and likeness.

Randy laughed. "That's another story for another day. You two need sleep. It's a school night."

"All right," they agreed.

The boys stood up from the dinner table. They stretched as Shelly and Sharon cleared the plates off and went into the kitchen to wash the used dishes. Kyle headed for Stan's room, but Stan remained still for a moment. He had one more important question to ask about the slash club.

"Hey dad? How do we get them to stop?"

Sharon squealed from inside the kitchen. "Did you see the way your brother looked at him out there? They're SOOOO CEEEYUTE!"

Randy sighed. "I'm afraid they never will son."

"...Oh." Stan frowned.

"God dammit" Kyle muttered as they headed upstairs together.

"What should we do?"

"Slap 'em around until they go away?"

Stan blinked. "No, not the girls. I mean what should we do right now?"

"Oh."

Stan thought a moment. "And hitting girls isn't cool dude."

Kyle sighed. "I know." It was hard to remember that with girls as annoying as the ones in the slash club.

Stan turned the doorknob to his room, entering in with Kyle following behind him. Kyle finally answered Stan's question.

"Right now, I think we need to figure out what to do about the chicks."

"Well, if dad's right it means they think we're hot and stuff. We should exploit that somehow."

Kyle nodded. "Okay. So how do we do that?"

Stan thought again, but he didn't come up with much.

"Become ugly with makeup?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Are you kidding me? For Christ's sake, CARTMAN is still appealing to some of these bitches."

For some reason, Wendy's eyebrows furrowed at that remark. Butters just nervously fiddled with his fingers, worried about the state of his relationship with Kenny.

"Shit, you're right," Stan admitted with a warm smile in response to Kyle's point. "That's why you're the smart one."

Kyle grinned a little himself. "Thanks. Besides, I doubt they'd find you ugly no matter what you did to yourself."

"Really?"

"Yeah dude. I mean, look at you."

Stan blushed ever so slightly. "Well thanks, but look who's talking."

Kyle laughed. "Me? Whatever. I'm not that great."

"Sure you are," Stan said. "These skanks wouldn't hound us so much if it was just me they liked with guys."

Kyle finally sat on Stan's bed. "Well thanks."

Stan sat down as well. "Yeah. No problem."

Kyle broke the awkward silence.

"Dude, that whole exchange was really gay."

Stan shook his head clear. "God, it was wasn't it? Jesus Christ Kyle! What're these girls DOING to us!"

The Jew rolled his eyes. "They aren't doing anything to us Stan. At least, not that I'm aware of."

"They're pissing us off," Stan argued.

"Yeah I know. But it doesn't matter. They won't stop us from being..."

Kyle paused. He turned away from Stan, and concluded his sentence with a more dramatic tone of voice.

"...Us."

Stan quirked an eyebrow. He could tell his best friend was now a bit off.

"Kyle, what is it?" Stan asked.

"It..." He paused again. "It's nothing."

Stan placed his hands on Kyle's shoulders. "Come on Kyle, what's wrong? Look at me."

Kyle sighed, turning to face Stan once again. "It's just that...What ARE we Stan?"

"We're friends of course."

"Well, obviously. But we've been friends for years now."

"Well yeah," Stan replied. "That's what friends do. They stick together."

"Right. It's just that, we don't have girlfriends or anything."

Stan shrugged. "So? It's not like any of the girls out there are very appealing."

"But don't you think they should be?" Kyle asked. "Most guys our ages DO have girlfriends."

"I guess." Stan blinked. "What, are you looking for a girlfriend now or something?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "I never look for a girlfriend. Especially since most of them are crazy like these bitches who keep stalking us. That's my point though. We aren't looking at girls. We don't...seem to care."

"Yeah" Stan replied, his hip now pressing against Kyle's. "I guess you're right."

Kyle laid down on the bed, turning over on his left side. "I just think that if we already feel happier together than we could with any girls, we oughta...do something about that."

Stan gulped, looking down at Kyle. "Like...Like what?"

Kyle shrugged his shoulders.

"Like...Like this?" Stan nervously asked. He slowly reclined on the bed himself, cautiously putting an arm around his friend.

Kyle smirked. "Well, yeah. If you want. I mean, we're guys. We're gonna have needs. You know?"

Stan grinned, tightening his grip around Kyle when he felt no resistance. "So should we...?"

Just then, someone banged on the bedroom window, forcing Stan to instinctively release his grip.

"Dammit!" Wendy swore from outside. "What's with all these interruptions! Just let them be!"

Kyle groaned from back inside. "Hold on" he said to Stan. He took it upon himself to open up the window. A distraught looking Kenny invited himself inside.

"Guys? Can...Can I talk to you? It's important."

Stan looked away. "Kenny, um, we're kinda busy right now dude."

"Cartman's trying to ruin my life!" Kenny continued, not actually giving a shit if he had permission to stay. "First he's trying to get me kicked out of the slash club, and now...Well it's a long story but...I might've turned gay."

"Well, what happened?" Stan asked, finding himself genuinely intrigued.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Kenny, you don't just turn gay."

The blonde's eyebrows furrowed. "Oh no? Well what do you think of this? Butters, he fucking...He...made out with me right? And...And now thinking about it doesn't make me sick."

Butters smiled with glee. "Ooh boy! Didja hear that?"

For Butters, that kind of talk was a huge compliment.

"I did," Wendy replied with arched eyebrows. "Why would it ever make him sick?" she wondered out loud.

"Maybe I had bad breath or something," BUtters figured. Wendy didn't buy that, but there wasn't any time to think about it now.

"Well that's what you get for joining the slash club dude," Kyle replied with a roll of his eyes.

"Well excuse me for being open-minded! Now Butters thinks I'm his boyfriend. And I'll tell you something. That kid makes out better than any girl I've ever tongue-kissed."

An embarrassed blush fell over Butters' face as he overheard the remarks.

"God, it was amazing," Ken continued. "I didn't wanna do it at first but I had no choice! And then I wound up loving it!" Kenny sighed.

Both Stan and Kyle scrunched up their noses at him, staring strangely.

"Look, can I just use your shower, Stan?" Kenny asked. "I feel...really dirty. Even for me."

"Y-yeah, dude. Go now before you weird me out," Stan said.

Kenny walked out of the room, leaving Kyle and Stan alone once again.

"...Um...P-Poor guy," Kyle said.

"Yeah" Stan agreed. "...He must be really confused about himself right now."

"Yeah. Not like us," Kyle replied.

Stan grinned, moving over to Kyle and finding his way into the boy's lap.

"Is this okay?" Stan asked, looking into his eyes for confirmation.

"Yeah" Kyle replied, a blush forming on his face. "Is um...Is this?" he asked before lifting his hips up, rubbing a bulge against Stan's ass.

Stan blushed, nodding before he closed his eyes and wrapped his legs around Kyle's waist. He rubbed his forehead against his friend's.

Kyle's arms nervously wrapped around Stan's waist. His hands slowly started to caress the other boy's back.

"Even if Kenny does turn out gay, who cares?"

"Yeah" Stan said. "He'd still be my friend."

"Mine too" Kyle replied as he shut his eyes, gulping as he felt a part of Stanley brushing against his stomach.

"N-Nowadays, people have all kinds of different friends...And different relationships with those friends."

"L-like ours," Stan replied with a nod.

Their faces turned red as Kyle's hands began groping the other boy's tight round ass. Stan moaned out when he felt Kyle's bulge poised against his backside, causing Stan to turn an even deeper red.

Stan groaned, undoing Kyle's belt buckle as he pressed his own bulge against the redhead's stomach.

"Kyle...A-are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Y-yeah... Heh-heh," Kyle laughed.

Stan laughed too, nuzzling the boy as he undid his own belt. "Shit. Kenny better not come back in here."

Kyle removed his shirt, then ran his hands inside of Stan's top to help him get it off, copping a feel of the boy's smooth stomach and chest as he undressed him.

"So what if he does? Worst case scenario is he sees us, runs home and leaves us alone again..." Kyle said in a hot, eager breath. He moaned as the zipper on his pants came down.

"Butters?" Wendy slowly said through a heated breath of her own.

"Yeah?"

"Hand me my camera." 


	8. the club meets again

Wow, has it really been a MONTH since I've updated this thing? OO I'm really sorry you guys. It toally slipped my mind. Because of that though, I tried to make this a rather large update for you. Well, large by my standards anyway. Most of you probably stopped reading after the Stan/Kyle chapter, but I really hope some of you will continue to give this fic a chance. There's still some more Stan/Kyle interaction to come, as well as relationship and storyline progression with Kenny/Butters and Cartman/Wendy, some of which you'll see in this chapter. I'd also like to remind everyone that this story is based on an RP I did. Half the credit here still goes to Oyaji291. Just pointing that out.

Keep reading and reviewing, and enjoy! Happy Halloween too!

That Monday at school, Cartman approached Kenny in the hallway. Kenny had successfully managed to avoid the fat boy all weekend, but he couldn't get away at school. Kenny groaned as he watched Cartman approach. He really didn't want to start the week like this.

"Ah, why if it isn't my little gay friend Kenny," he began. "I heard about you and Butters in the slash club. Told ya you were a fag."

Kenny glared and closed his school locker. "Fuck you fatass. You're just jealous anyway."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "H'yeah right. Jealous of what, the fact that you got mouth-raped?"

"Jealous I hooked up and YOU didn't," Kenny challenged. "Jealous because, even if it was with a guy, all the girl's eyes were still on -me- Friday and not you. That includes the eyes of your little girlfriend Wendy by the way, so there fucker!" Kenny spat.

Cartman stepped closer toward his friend, glaring angrily at him now. The Wendy remark had clearly gotten to him. Of course Kenny's statement was totally false. Wendy was the only one protesting the makeout session. Of course, he wasn't about to tell Cartman that.

"I'll admit this much: You're a worthy opponent," Eric complimented. "But I'm afraid it won't be enough. Your own strategy blew up in your face, quite literally, and soon you'll be out of that gay little club forever."

Kenny flipped him off. "No I won't. I'm going strong in that club, and I'm not backing down. Now take your vending machine breakfast Twinkies and fuck off."

"First of all, these are Ding Dongs! Second, I don't care how popular you are in that club. You saw how divided that room was. You think you can out-bullshit me? I've lied so many times I've forgotten what the truth is! I'll get you. I'll get you, and your fake, faggy boyfriend too!"

Cartman stomped off with that warning, munching on his sugary snack.

Kenny growled and kicked his locker a few times in frustration.

"W-what's wrong?" a voice suddenly asked from behind. Kenny turned and found Butters standing there, nervously tugging at his own shirt sleeve.

"Just Cartman. Don't worry about it." he replied.

"Oh, a-all right then. Hey! uh, I-I was thinkin' that after school, m-maybe we could see a movie or somethin'."

Kenny blinked. "A movie?"

"H'yeah! I thought movies would be a good way for us to spend some time alone," Butters replied.

Kenny thought about the proposition a moment. Realization slowly set into his brain. Kenny technically -did- have a boyfriend now, if he truly wanted one. Did he? He thought back to that Friday afternoon. To the hot and heavy makeout session in the slash club classroom. To how, if he wanted, he could be spending his time doing that same thing with any number of women. Those thoughts were quickly washed away however when he remembered how good Butters' lips felt. How hot, how different, and how not-so-terrible it was to kiss Butters. Kenny had a boyfriend, and the strangest thing of all was perhaps the fact that it didn't feel strange. It didn't feel weird addressing Butters in such a way. It didn't feel odd being thought of in such a way by another boy. After the experience the other day, Kenny could safely say that he -did- in fact want Butters as his man. In fact, he wanted him in more ways than one.

With each extra second it took Kenny to respond to the offer, Butters tugged harder at his own shirt. His mouth formed into a frown. Maybe what he overheard at Stan's house was true? Maybe Kenny -was- just confused. Maybe the idea of kissing him again made the dirty blonde sick to his stomach. Maybe Butters had failed, once again, at life. His frown was quickly turned upside down however when he noticed a perverse grin creeping across Kenny's face. 

"Well are you sure it has to be a movie?" Kenny asked.

Butters grinned from ear to ear. "W-well no, but it should be somethin' nice and boyfriendy."

"Well, I've got a few ideas where we could go," Ken offered as he looked his fellow blonde up and down lustfully.

"Really?" Butters asked happily. He had to get some clarification before he got too excited. "so...So you -do- wanna go out with me and everything?"

Kenny nodded. "Yeah, I do."

Butters blushed. "Well, w-well that's swell! Where do you wanna go?"

Kenny shrugged. "My place, your place, a motel..."

Butters blinked. "A motel?"

Kenny smirked. "You know, to do boyfriend things in," he explained.

Butters giggled. "Oh jeez, I-I heard about the kinda thigns that happen there, Kenny! Y-you're a naughty boyfriend."

Kenny nodded. "So? It's no worse than what we did in the classroom."

"W-well that's true yeah," he admitted. Butters fiddled with his fingers a moment, before giving an "okay" response. This made -Kenny- grin from ear to ear.

"After school?" Kenny offered.

"Hehe, okay boyfriend! That'll be neato!"

Kenny grinned and leaned back against the wall. "Damn right it will."

Overjoyed that he was in fact wanted, Butters leaned in and kissed Kenny very quickly on the cheek.

"I'm gonna go to class now," Butters said. Kenny didn't respond. He was too busy staring straight ahead in a state of wonderment. This drew a laugh from Butters, who found the action cute.

Kenny continued standing there as the next bell rang. He wondered exactly how over a simple weekend his life had turned so upside-down. Now he had apparently switched teams, and now had a boyfriend to call his own. Even stranger, how he -wanted- to have a boyfriend. And to think, it was all thanks to that gay little club. The club that wouldn't judge his new lifestyle. The club that supported, and encouraged, exploration conversions among the sexually confused. A club of people that Kenny could, possibly, even call his friends.

A club that Eric Cartman wanted him out of for good.

Now more than ever, Kenny couldn't let that happen.

"Let meeting number sixty-nine of the slash club commence!" Wendy called out. Kenny and Butters both giggled at the mentioning of the number as they glanced one another's ways. Some of the girls joined in the laughter as well.

"So, I understand some of you caught Stan and Kyle having dinner together this weekend."

"Yeah!!" the girls declared excitedly.

Wendy grinned proudly. "Well that's nothing."

"Hey! We're doing the best we can Wendy," Bebe said.

Wendy nodded. "But -I- have pictures of them. Erotic pictures."

The female club members gave an ear-piercing scream, much to the chagrin of Kenny and Butters. The noise was louder and far more annoying than any "AWW" they had given off so far.

The girls shot out of their seats and surrounded their leader. All of them posed questions demanding to know the inside scoop. Wendy just smiled triumphantly. Her plan had worked. She had regained her power over the group. She had the entire floor. All the focus was on her, and that's just the way she liked it.

"There's another hot couple here too," Kenny reminded them.

"God dammit Kenny, shut up and fuck Butters' butt or something!" the fickle Bebe snapped.

"Don't get too attached to that idea," Cartman warned as he entered the meeting, late as usual. "Once I prove my case, this slut's leaving for good."

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Oh for fuck's sake. Cartman go away!!"

"You -would- want me to go away, wouldn't you?!" Cartman accused. "You want to erase me from your life so you can fuck this new hussy guilt-free. God, men! You know what I mean ladies?"

Wendy sighed. Leave it to Cartman to steal her spotlight.

"That accusation may or may not be true, but you're still late for the meeting," the girl pointed out. "Sit down."

Butters clinged to Kenny's arm gleefully, hugging to him possessively as Cartman sat next to them.

"Why don't you get a clue?" Kenny asked.

"Why don't you get fixed? That's what cheating dogs like you deserve."

"Right on sister!" one girl called out to Cartman. He smiled back at her.

Kenny flipped Cartman off and wrapped his arm around Butters' side. "What do you wanna do, huh? You wanna have it out right now?" Kenny asked angrily.

Suddenly, Cartman began to 'cry' at the sight of Kenny and Butters being so lovey-dovey. It had once again degenerated into another back and forth game of lies between Kenny and Cartman. Only this time, Kenny was being quite serious with his affection.

"You guys are such jerks!" Bertha said. "Stop rubbing it in Eric's face like that! Gawd!"

"Fuck him, he'd do the same to us," Kenny replied.

"Yeah!" Bebe agreed.

"Enough!" Wendy commanded, regaining her control over the room. "The trial's going to happen soon. Obviously the sooner we get this over with, the better. For now, we have more important things to deal with."

Cartman sniffled in response and wiped away one of his 'tears' of sadness.

"That's fahn with me. The sooner that manwhore's gone and out of mah life, the better!"

"W-well he won't lose," Butters interjected.

"Yeah!" Kenny agreed before he kissed Butters on the mouth in plain view of Cartman.

"You both have a week to prepare your cases," Wendy ordered. "Then we'll have the trial and rule. The one found guilty leaves the club," she reminded them. "In the meantime, can we PLEASE maintain some sanity here and talk about boys getting with other boys?"

"M-me and Kenny are going to a sleazy motel after school," Butters chimed in.

Just like with Wendy, the girls surrounded their table immediately. Cartman rolled his eyes from his seat.

Kyle barged into Ike's bedroom a few hours later.

"What the hell is this?!" Kyle demanded to know as he hurled a freshly dried shirt at his younger brother's head. Ike unfolded the shirt, revealing its 'I hate Kyle' message written across the chest.

"Hey, don't get mad at me!" the Canadian defended. "I didn't want to join that stupid club! I -like- Kyle!"

"Then why're you in it?!"

Ike shrugged. "I got candy."

"Christ, he's making shirts now?" Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ike, what else do they do at those meetings? How many people are there?"

Ike counted on his fingers. "Well Monday is baby sacrifice, Tuesday is cake raffle-"

"WHAT?!" Kyle's jaw dropped. "What the fuck does baby sacrificing have to do with hating me?!"

"Nothing. Cartman just finds them fun."

Kyle paused, blinking in shock. "...Dear god..."

"Oh, and he gives me candy! Did I mention that?"

"Yes Ike, you mentioned that."

"There aren't many members yet," Ike informed him. "Just me and cousin Kyle. Cartman hopes he'll get more after the trial though."

"Trial?"

"Where he's trying to get Kenny kicked out of the slash club."

"Oh for christ's sake!" Kyle growled. He rubbed his temple, feeling a headache coming on. He didn't care to know about any involvement Cartman might've had with that god damn slash club. "Is that it then?"

"Um, no," Ike admitted. "He says things too."

"What things?"

"Kyle, do we really control the media?"

"Jesus Christ!" Kyle exclaimed. "That does it Ike! I'm shutting that damn club down if it's the last thing I do!"

TO BE CONTINUED! 


	9. blackmail

The next day, Cartman called to order another meeting of the "I hate Kyle" club. He did a head count, making sure both Ike AND Kyle Schwartz were present, along with himself.

"Okay everyone seems to be here," he said. "Let's begin shall we? First, today is baby sacrifice day."

Kyle Schwartz groaned. "O-oh Jesus. Last time I couldn't get the smell off of my hands for days. Do we really have to do that again?"

"Yes we do" Cartman said in a very dark tone. Wasting no time, Cartman reached into his pocket and pulled out a baby.

A baby carrot, that is. He removed some baby corn from a second pocket.

Ike pouted. "This is stupid. Can't we have a ritual orgy instead?"

Cartman slammed the food items down on a desk in frustration. "For the last time no! God dammit Ike, you know our membership is limited right now."

"It's small, Cartman! It's a small club with three members because a lot of people like Kyle. And -maybe- if we had some kind of orgy, those girls from the slash club finally -would- come over here like you promised they would!"

"I'm working on that! God dammit Ike, no gay orgies! I'm not a fag like you!"

"Do you mean that Eric?" Ike asked.

"Duh! Of course I mean it! I don't pound butt like you, homo!"

"Oh, okay," Ike said with a nod.

A clicking sound was heard.

cartman turned his head away from the small foods, looking in Ike's direction. The small boy was holding a recently stopped tape recorder.

"Give me that Ike," Cartman demanded calmly.

"Nope"

The larger boy glared. "I should've known better than to trust a fucking Jew."

Ike considered his options out loud, paying no mind to Eric's insults.

"Hmm...I could give this to you, or I could give it to the slash club and kill your chances in the trial."

"I could kill you and take it," Eric threatened.

"Are we still having baby sacrifice?" Kyle chimed in.

"SHUT UP!" the two boys demanded of him before going back to their ongoing negotiation. Kyle just backed away from the table very, very slowly. He nervously turned his focus toward some cabbage for the sacrifice.

Ike smirked. "Well, you -could- strain yourself and have a heart attack trying to get this away from me, or you could give me something I want."

"And that would be?" Cartman asked.

"More candy."

Cartman sighed. "Why are you doing this? I haven't done shit to you."

Ike grinned. "I stick by my brother, that's why. He really hates you and wants your plans in life to fail. I'm willing to help him do that unless you give me a good reason not to."

Eric shuddered at the idea of alligning himself with a Jewrat. What if he didn't get into Heaven because of it? Then again, he'd also lose a chance to screw over and manipulate a lot more people if he didn't make a deal with the little brat right now. Kenny deserved what was coming to him. Cartman couldn't pass that up.

"How'd you like to help me win the trial instead?" Cartman offered.

Ike blinked, confused by the question. "I'm blackmailing you here, dumbass."

"True" Cartman said. "But as long as we're negotiating, you can still come over to my side."

Ike scoffed at the proposition. He still had the fat boy where he wanted him. "And what would I get in return?"

Cartman thought this over, pacing the room in brief contemplation.

"Hmm...Well, if you work with me, you'll get more candy. If you screw me over, I go tell your mom you've been sneaking non-kosher sweets in, asshole!"

Ike gasped, his eyes going wide. It had to be an empty threat. "You wouldn't!"

"Try me" Cartman challenged. He cleared his throat, and followed up the statement in the most sickeningly sweet tone he could muster. "Mrs. Broflovski, I saw it with my own two eyes. It was terrible! Little Ike was totally disrespecting your religious beliefs."

Ike rolled his eyes. "Help you huh? How?"

"Just go to the trial with me next week. With your help, I know I can make Kenny and Butters look like cheating, heartless sluts. I'll win for sure then."

Ike glared up at him. "Fine!"

Cartman nodded, victorious at all costs as always. "But I'd -better- win this case Ike. If you screw me over again, so help me God-"

"Yeah, yeah," Ike said, waving dissmissively as he walked out of the club meeting in defiance.

"AY! You do not walk away from me when I'm threatening you! Ike you get back here right now"  
Ike flipped him off and kept walking down the hallway. Cartman followed after him, making sure to smack Kyle for good measure on the way out.

"God dammit respect my authroitah!" he ordered the boy. As they argued, they walked past a few of the girls from the slash club in the hallway.

"...Is that pairing hot?" One girl asked, a bit creeped out and confused.

"I...Don't know...They're both boys, and Ike has a cute ass," the other responded. "But I think Cartman is only using him to get to his brother or something. I could see that pairing working."

"Ohmigawd I so could too!" the other girl replied cheerfully.

"Cartman and Kyle forever!"

Off in the distance, Cartman finally stopped arguing with Ike.

He had to go to the bathroom and puke again.

TBC 


	10. oh noez! disapproving parent!

It seemed that the slash club's prophecy had finally come true. Stan and Kyle couldn't keep their hands off one another, as was the case with many horny teen boys. Unfortunately Stan and Kyle's hormones had also made them inadvertently neglect one small detail during all of their makeout sessions. Namely, why exactly were they making out?

Their fun and games ended quickly one afternoon when Randy Marsh casually climbed up into his son's old treehouse, finding the two boys in question in a rather compromising, half-naked position.

"...Hi boys," Randy said, staring oddly at his son and his friend.

"...Uh...Hi dad," Stan said back. He made as little eye contact as possible.

"Th-This isn't what it looks like!" Kyle nervously assured the older man. Considering Kyle was still laying underneath of Stan's body when he made the statement, it was pretty hard to believe. Even for Randy Mrarsh. The boys' hands quickly slid out of one another's opened jeans.

Surprisingly, after the initial awkwardness of catching his son in a sexual act subsided, Randy shrugged off the activity.

"Don't worry about it," he said. "My slash club tricked me into doing that too. You guys will be straight again in a month or so."

That was far more knowledge than the boys ever wanted to know. They blinked, glanced at each other, then glanced back Randy's way.

"What if we aren't?" Stan questioned. He didn't particularly care to "go back" at this point.

"Then I'll throw you out, spit on you, burn your clothing, and dissown you," Randy replied non-chalantly.

"Dude!!!" Stan's voice cracked. "That's not cool!"

"Well God thinks it's not cool to have a queer for a son, Stanley. Now I'll leave you two alone to get all that sinning out of your systems. Sorry about that."

Kyle stared wide-eyed at the retreating mister Marsh. He had to do something. To say something. He couldn't just let Stan get in that kind of trouble. Randy might have been 'tricked' into doing something years ago, but Kyle didn't believe that he and Stan were tricked at all. He didn't want to stop, but he didn't want Stan to have to deal with a disapproving parent either. Stan's dad wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. Surely there had to be some way to justify their homoerotic behavior.

"...What if we're just friends with benefits?"

"Oh!" Randy smiled an embarrassed smile. "That's all? Well that's perfectly acceptable! Why didn't you say that before?"

With that, Randy walked out of the treehouse. The boys sighed in relief.  
"That was a close one," Kyle said.

"Yeah, too close," Stan agreed. A few seconds passed before Stan grinned wickedly. "Aight, where were we?" he asked as he slipped his hand down the front of Kyle's pants again.

"...Did you just say 'aight?'" Kyle asked, blinking.

Caught in an uncool statement, Stan smiled sheepishly. "Just shut up and make out with me."

"Fine" Kyle replied with a scoff, his own hand pressing to Stan's stomach and moving downward. Stanley pressed his lips to Kyle's neck, nipping at him.

"...Hey Stan?" the redhead asked. "You don't...You don't do this with anyone else, do you?"

"Hm?" Stan's mouth pulled away. "No dude. Why?"

Kyle sighed, looking up into Stan's eyes. "I've just been thinking a lot lately. We've been...doing a lot of this. You know?"

Stan nodded. "I know dude. I've been thinking too."

They paused again, just looking at each other. Stan broke the silence first.

"...Right now, I guess you're not considered my boyfriend or anything. If you're saying you wanna do stuff with another guy though..."

Kyle cut his friend off. "No way dude! Are you kidding? I only trust you with my body like this."

Stan was relieved by this information. He smiled down at Kyle.

"Well, I don't wanna do anything like that either. Open relationships are gay. Besides, I think you're way hotter than the other guys at school."

Kyle blushed. "...Really?"

"Yeah"

Kyle's smile brightened. "Thanks Stan. That means a lot."

Stan leaned down, once again pressing their lips together. "You're welcome buddy" he replied as he began stroking Kyle down below.

Kyle moaned, stroking Stan back just as lovingly. "S-so what the hell are we? I don't actually wanna do that whole friends with benefits crap."

"We're boyfriends I guess," Stan answered, closing his eyes as he felt the pleasure rising in his groin. "Oh god..."

Kyle blinked. "You guess?"

Stan groaned, their hands continuing to stroke. "L-look, I dunno...I mean, that's still really weird dude."

"What is?"

"To think of you like my boyfriend. You're practically my brother."

"Yet you're making out with me and fondling my penis," Kyle replied.

Stan moaned again, feeling Kyle massage his erect member. "G-good point...But if we become boyfriends, then those slash club girls would win. And if you thought they stalked us -before- we got together..."

Kyle laughed. "Word."

"...Did you just say word?"

Kyle lifted his head up, kissing Stan's lips. "Shut up and make out with me."

Stan grinned and began kissing his new official boyfriend. He started tugging down Kyle's pants, but the flash of a camera interrupted the moment. Stan looked up to see Butters standing in the treehouse entrance, along with Wendy behind him.

Stan sighed. "God dammit."

"Don't stop on our accounts," Wendy insisted with a grin.

Kyle growled as he got up from underneath stan and finally pulled a shirt up over his head. "This is the only reason -to- stop! What do you want?!"

"I was actually coming here to give you guys a friendly warning!" Wendy retorted. "And if you don't want to get caught doing something, don't do it."

"We wouldn't have to worry about getting caught if you fucking slash girls would leave us alone!" Stan growled. He looked over at Butters, glaring. "You're in on this too?"

Butters blushed. "I-I'm awful sorry for bargin' in on your privacy. Uh, b-but Wendy said I had to."

Wendy glared right back at the boys. "What's so bad about our club?!" she challenged. "All we want to do is pair up guys that we know belong together and then admire them. And -you- two aren't exactly doing anything to prove us wrong!"

"We don't -belong- together, Wendy!" Stan snapped.

"You -love- each other!" she accused.

"No we don't!" Kyle argued. "And even if we decide we do at some point, why do you -care-? Go find -yourself- a boyfriend and leave us alone about it!"

Wendy laughed off the suggestion. "Ha! Why have a boyfriend when I can watch two hot guys make out instead?"

"H'yeah!" Butters replied in agreement. Except for the part about not having a boyfriend.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Wendy, why did you even start this club?"

The girl shrugged her shoulders. "I was bored."

"Well now your fruity little club got what it wanted, so can you -please- leave us the hell alone?!" Kyle asked.

Wendy's eyebrows arched in further self-defense. -That's- what I'm here to tell you! Long story short, I took some pictures of you guys in bed the other night. Now that they're developed, I plan to show them to the club members."

"You -WHAT-?" Kyle's jaw dropped in shock and embarrassment. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he quickly added.

"Keep talking to me that way and I won't give the pictures back to yoU!" Wendy threatened.

"Wendy, that's not cool," Stan said. "There's no good reason to show anybody that stuff."

"Yes there is: Power."

Stan and Kyle rolled their eyes. "You've been hanging around Cartman too much," Kyle accused. She glared at Kyle for that remark. The stupid Jew didn't know what he was talking about.

On second thought, maybe he did. Her recent schemes and overall quest to remain on top of the group she'd created were very Cartmanesque to say the least. The only difference was that Wendy was still a good person. She had no plans to blackmail Stan and Kyle with the information, or worse, surprise them by posting the pictures all over school one day. That was something Cartman would do, not her. That difference may have been small, but it was a very important distinction.

"Speaking of which, I'll make sure Cartman doesn't leave the room with any pictures," Wendy continued. "I just need to show the club we've succeeded. They follow you around all the time, but I'm the only one with photographic evidence that you're now together. It's like finally capturing a picture of Big Foot. The elusive thing that everyone knows is out there, and now I have proof of it. That's going to regain me a lot of lost respect and power within the slash club. I'll be happy to give the pictures back to you guys after that."

"Fine, whatever. Just take the pictures and leave," Stan insisted.

Wendy blinked, confused. "...Wait, what? You're not even going to try and stop me?"

"No! We don't care!" Kyle exclaimed.

"You mean, you really don't care if we tell people you're together?"

Stan shook his head. "No. That's never been the point."

Now even more confused, Wendy just stood there. Butters did too. They looked at each other and shrugged. They didn't know what to make of this decision, until the boys explained their reasoning further.

"You see, I've learned something today," Stan said. "This is a free world. People are allowed to write and say and think whatever they want. If the idea of me and Kyle being together somehow brings joy to pathetic people's lives, who cares?"

Wendy scowled. "We aren't pathetic!"

Stan ignored the girl's reply. "To each his own. It may be weird and, at times, completely disgusting, but if that's what you guys like, fine, go crazy. Kyle and I don't have that much of a problem with you thinking stuff about us that might not be true. It's just the way you shove it in our faces non-stop that we don't like. There are other gay pairings out there. straight ones too. Just leave us alone and let us be whatever we're gonna be. Please?"

Butters pouted. "We're sorry fellas."

Wendy nodded, admitting defeat. "I guess...I guess maybe we -could- find a new pairing to obsess over."

Butters raised his hand, wondering if it was okay for him to speak.

"Yeah Butters?" Kyle asked.

"I'll do it with Kenny more if you want me to," he offered in response to Wendy's comment about finding a new pair for the club to focus on.

Wendy looked to Stan and Kyle again and sighed. "I'm sorry about the other girls."

Stan shrugged. "It's okay Wendy. It's not your fault they're all crazy."

"So you'll really get them to stop?" Kyle questioned.

"Yeah. We got what we wanted. Bye guys."

Wendy headed back down the tree, the pictures held safely at her side. Butters left too, finally giving the boys the privacy they've been seeking.

Kyle crossed his arms over his chest. His eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. "Christ! Two fucking interruptions in one day!"

"Yeah that really killed the mood," Stan agreed. He began counting on his fingers, doing some math inside his head. "It's gonna take at least twenty seconds to get back into it."

TO BE CONTINUED 


	11. wendy x cartman

Author's Note: Merry Christmas everyone (or whatever you celebrate). I figured it was time I updated this thing again, and what better time than on Christmas? I hope the, oh, two of you still reading this enjoy the update. Consider it a Christmas present. You can leave a review as my present. :) Only one more chapter to go after this one. Enjoy!

The night before the big trial in slash court was set to occur, Wendy was seated in a dark room. She had been patiently developing and copying the steamy photos of Stan and Kyle ever since school let out a few hours ago. Once they were finally finished, she took them to the slash club meeting room for distributional purposes. The members would get a huge surprise the next day, and Wendy would be treated with power and respect. The way she deserved.

She opened the door to the classroom and was shocked to find Eric Cartman already inside, pacing around the various desks. Wendy rolled her eyes. The last thing she needed after a hard day's work was Cartman bothering her.

"what are you doing here?" she asked. The annoyance was already apparent in her voice.

Cartman turned around quickly upon hearing the sound of her voice. He was just as surprised to see her as she was to see him.

"Hey ho," Cartman greeted casually. "I'm going over my speech for the trial tomorrow. You?"

"Cartman you have to leave," Wendy insisted. "I'm about to lay out some photos and there's no way in hell I trust you alone in a room with them."

"I'll go when I'm ready," he stated firmly. "What photos?"

"If you really want to know, the slash club finally got what we wanted. I have pictures of Kyle and stan topless and making out!" she announced excitedly.

Cartman blinked, failing to see the big deal. "What, like an anime drawing?"

"No, real ones! Look."

Wendy held the picture under Cartman's nose. He looked downward out of reflex, and quickly had to hold back the bile forming in his throat.

"...Eewwww!!" he finally remarked. His hand touched the stack of pictures, shoving them away from his eyes and back toward Wendy's body. His hand quickly retracted, as though touching the images had burned his palm.

Wendy frowned at the response. She certainly hoped the other club members wouldn't react so negatively when they viewed the photographic evidence tomorrow.

"Well, the rest of the club will love it," she said defensively.

Cartman shrugged his shoulders. "Probably."

Wendy began walking around the room, placing the pictures face down on each club member's desk. She counted in her head to make sure each student would have a copy. She subtracted by one when she got to Cartman's seat. In the background, she heard Cartman continuing to pace and talk to himself.

"Which is why Kenny has to go," he said, making sure to look around at the sea of empty desks in front of him as he spoke. Had students been present, he would've been making eye contact with all of them. No doubt a ploy for sympathy.

"Why are you working on your trial speech?" Wendy asked. "Are you trying to get your story straight?"

Cartman glared, not appreciating the remark even if it was true.

"For your information bitch, I wanted to get a feel for the room. You know, which students are where. Which ones are most likely going to side with me. Make sure they can all hear me when I talk. I'm taking this whole thing very seriously."

Floored by the legitamite response, Wendy once again tried to get Cartman to leave.

"Well hurry up. I'm tired and I want to go home," Wendy said.

"Yeah, yeah," Cartman replied. He gave the girl an exasperated scowl before dismissed Wendy and continuing to scope out the room. He tried to remember in his head just why exactly he secretly liked Wendy so much.

"You'll probably lose you know." Wendy commented. "Even if Kenny did cheat on you, keeping a gay couple together is far more appealing to slashers."

"Maybe. But I have sympathy and a surprise witness on my side."

Wendy quirked her eyebrow. "Oh really? And who might that be?"

"You'll find out tomorrow," Cartman teased. "Who decides this thing anyway?"

Wendy shrugged. "I suppose we'll all vote on it."

Cartman nodded. "That's what I figured. I also figure you'll be voting against me no matter what."

"Probably" Wendy admitted without shame. "Which is why everyone will vote: To keep it fair."

Cartman scoffed at the notion of fair play. This whole thing would have already been over with if Wendy didn't insist on having a fair trial. Cartman asked himself why people couldn't just learn to blindly follow whatever he said the way they did for a politician or a prominnent religious figure. Surely he was just as cool and important as any of them.

"God dammit, people should just vote for me. Fairness is gay," Eric complained.

Wendy glared at him. "Why do you people do that to each other?"

"Do what?" Cartman asked.

"You're as bad as the black community using the 'N' word. A homosexual negatively referring to something as 'gay' is demeaning to your people."

"Pff, like I'm a flaming fa-"

Luckily Cartman caught himself mid-sentence. Damn! He hated being caught in a web of his own lies. Not that that ever stopped him from lying.

"Uh, I mean yeah...Yeah you're right," he stammered. "I should watch that huh?"

"I'll just be glad when this whole thing's over with," Wendy admtited, seeming to believe that Cartman's slip of the tongue was a self-depricating one.

"Why's that?" Cartman asked. He was all too happy to turn the subject away from himself.

"With Stan and Kyle together, we'll have to find a new goal to meet once we sort this thing out."

"Why not just keep spying on them?"

"Because eventually seeing the same pairing together all the time gets boring. As a club we have to evolve and look at all the possibilities."

"No matter what you want, the guys in this school aren't just going to up and have a big man orgy."

"Well Cartman, if you ever had a girlfriend, you'd know that women have a sixth sense about these things. In this case, our club knows what the men at this school want before they do. We can tell when a guy's gay."

Cartman grinned. The temptation to put this girl in her place was too alluring. "Is that right?" he said.

"Yes."

"Well then, I bet you can tell what I want."

It was Wendy's turn to scoff. "You want a lot of things. All for your own benefit."

Cartman shrugged. "True. Sex benefits two people though. You know what I mean?" He winked at her, slowly approaching the girl.

Wendy stared at him for a moment, confused by his meaning.

"...Um, yes. Which is why you had sex with Kenny, right?"

Fuck! Cartman had fooled her all right. All too well. He could never get with Wendy if she honestly believed him to be a homo. In Eric's mind, there was only one way out of a really good lie. An even bigger, more belivable lie!

"...R-right, yeah." Cartman nodded, covering the tracks of his backstory. "But you know, um, we weren't always like that. There was a time when me and Kenny totally liked girls too. I haven't been with one in so long..." He sighed. "I haven't...had anyone since Kenny left. It gets lonely sometimes..."

At this point, Cartman made sure to take on the facial expression of a boy who had just lost his puppy on Christmas morning.

"I'm sure you'll find someone else," Wendy said. She didn't sound sympathetic, but she didn't sound sarcastic in her remark either. Cartman took that as a good sign and continued. It was time to make his move. To let Wendy know she could have him if she wanted to. If being the key word. Cartman took a deep breath and threw it out there.

"I think...I think maybe it's about time I...gave women another shot."

Wendy placed the last of the Stan/Kyle pictures on the desks. The one normally meant for Cartman she stuck into her purse for her own personal viewing.

"You really don't like these?" she asked with surprise.

Cartman shook his head vigorously. "They're fucking ga-" He paused, catching himself for the second time tonight. "...They're fucking straight!" he exclaimed.

Cartman's substitute word for the gay insult forced an eye roll from Wendy. At the same time though, she couldn't help but laugh ever so slightly. She tried to fight it. She really did. BUt even Eric Cartman was cute sometimes.

"I'm done here," Wendy announced. "Do what you want with girls, but know that it won't make you very popular with the club."

"Huh? Why not?"

"It's a slash club," she said simply.

"So? You can support slash and not be gay."

"Yes, but the members prefer it if you are."

Wendy walked past Cartman, heading for the door. Eric hesitated, but called out to her with what in his mind was a very important question that required an immediate answer.

"Are you a dyke?"

Wendy's eyes widened in shock. Her jaw dropped. She spun back around to face Cartman.

"No!" she exclaimed, glaring at him for asking such a thing. Cartman offered no apologies for the remark.

"What?" he asked innocently as he stared back into her glaring face. "You said they like it more when you're gay, and you -did- start this club. I figured it meant you munched Bebe's carpet."

"Not that there's anything wrong with that, but no I don't," she repeated. "Just because I started the club, it doesn't make me a lesbian."

Cartman breathed a small sigh of relief. A lesbo Wendy would definitely guarantee they'd never get together. Feeling thirsty, Cartman walked toward the exit himself. He got closer to Wendy as a result.

"Who knows?" Wendy questioned out loud. "Maybe if I were I'd get some more respect around here."

"What do you mean?"

"It's why I had to take these pictures. None of the members seem to care what I think. They constantly question me and defy my authority as a leader."

"Now you know how I feel."

The two stood there, staring at each other for what seemed like too long of a moment. Cartman smiled at her. Wendy smiled back warmly.

"Hey Wendy..." Cartman began.

"Yeah?"

"For what it's worth, ...-I- respect your authoritah."

"Maybe that's because I slapped you on your first day here," she reminded him. Wendy was now flashing an even bigger smile.

Cartman laughed, knowing full well he deserved the hit that day. "Oh yeah."

More silence filled the room. It made no sense. They both wanted to leave, so why were they both standing around smiling like idiots? The tension was thick to say the least, but it also seemed rather inviting. Cartman knew he made it clear to Wendy that he had straight 'tendancies.' Now he needed to seize this moment. But how?

"...Are you -sure- you're not a dyke?"

Wendy rolled her eyes. "I'm sure!"

"I don't know," Cartman teased. "I'm pretty sure I smell vagina on your breath. You should get some tic-tacs," he rudely advised.

Wendy's hands suddenly gripped the front of Eric's shirt.

"I'll show you how gay I am!"

Her lips slammed against Cartman's with almost enough impact to leave a small bruise. The boy made no moves to stop her and gladly returned the kiss he had been longing for since God knows when. His taunting had worked to perfection.

Their eyes closed as the smooch deepened, drawing moans from both participants. Cartman's large hands crept around Wendy's slender waist, pulling her closer to his body. Wendy's arms snaked around Cartman's neck in response, her fingers running through his hair. When she felt a hand making contact with her behind, she opened her mouth. Whether it was to protest or beg for more, no one would ever know for certain. As it turned out, Wendy didn't have time to do either. Cartman felt her mouth open and took it as a chance for a tongue kiss. This time it was Wendy not resisting the oral play.

Wendy and Cartman both shuddered as their crotches pressed together, heating up in unison. They started to pant, their hot breath hitting each other's faces. Feeling braver, Cartman's hand left Wendy's ass. He moved it upward, ran it over her hip, and stopped his movement at her breast, feeling her up through her shirt. His other hand cupped her other bussom, drawing a hiss of pleasure from deep within the girl. Feeling Cartman undo the buttons of her top, Wendy decided that two could play at this game. Her hand reached out and teasingly fondled the button on Cartman's pants. He gasped when he felt the girl unhook it, then slowly pull the zipper of his jeans downward, brushing her hand along his penis on the way down. He yanked Wendy's shirt over her head and ravenously began kissing at her neck.

They continued stripping each other of their clothes, letting them fall to the floor in a heap. Eric growled primatively as Wendy stroked his male member to a fully aroused state. After unhooking her bra, Cartman took his teasing fingers and pushed Wendy away from him so that he could speak.

"D-do you wanna...?" Eric suggested, not needing to finish the sentence.

Wendy nodded. "On the desk or on the floor?"

"Desk" Cartman decided quickly.

The two raced to the teacher's desk, the largest one in the room. They knocked over all the stupid papers and climbed up on the sturdy wood surface. Wendy eagerly straddled Cartman's waist. She rocked her hips back and forth, grinding against Cartman. He bucked his hips back, then leaned his head up to kiss Wendy's mouth one more time. The two groaned, their sex organs only separated by their underwear.

Wendy broke the kiss, her face flushed. "Wait!!" she exclaimed.

"What? What's wrong?" Cartman asked.

Wendy shook her head. 'W-we can't do this..."

"WHAT?!"

Still short of breath, Wendy was unable to immediately explain why. Cartman glared up at her, figuring it out for himself. His face turned red as well, only with anger. He forced his breathing to return to normal so that he could give her what she deserved.

"Oh. I see how it is," Cartman remarked. "Get me all hot and then just stop. That's fine! That's FINE! You whore! You tease! You-"

Wendy cut him off with another slap.

"I was GOING to say 'We can't do this YET because we don't have a condom,' asshole!!"

"...Oh..."

Cartman's face remained red, now with embarrassment. Wendy sighed and removed herself from Cartman's lap. The mood was good and dead, but Cartman's hardon was not. Trying to salvage a shread of dignity, Cartman sat up on the desk.

"Well, I guess I'll be going now," he announced.

Wendy didn't reply, trying to gather up her discarded clothing.

Cartman stood up and searched for his own clothes, finding his shirt. He once again began walking toward the exit.

"Aren't you going to finish your stupid rehearsal?" Wendy asked. Her wits about her, she wanted to make sure Cartman wouldn't sneak back into the room after she'd left it.

"Yes" he said. "But I need two minutes alone in the mens room first."

Wendy's eyebrows rose in disgust. "Gross!"

Not caring that he disgusted her, Cartman stuck a leg through his pants. Once those were on, he could finally leave the room of his humiliation.

"...Two minutes?" Wendy suddenly questioned with a smirk. "I'm glad I didn't waste my time."

The fat boy glared at her. "Well it'd take longer with another person involved!" he said in defense of his manhood.

"Not with you," she spat. "You'd probably finish up and then not tend to my needs because you're a selfish bastard!"

"I would too!" he barked. "I could give you multiple organisms like you wouldn't believe!"

Wendy rolled her eyes. "Multiple 'organisms' huh?"

"Yeah, and I can prove it!" he challenged.

His voice lowered as he spoke the next few words, emphasizing them as he stood, still hard, in front of the still topless Wendy.

"And deep down, you -want- me to prove it. You want this just as badly as I do."

Wendy growled, her face contorting into a mixture of lust and rage.

"Even IF that were true, we STILL don't have a fucking condom!"

Cartman smiled and walked away from Wendy. He moved toward the center of the desks in the middle of the room. He reached the seat of Heidi Turner and flipped the desktop open. Sure enough, she still had some condoms available. Apparently it was true what was said about her in the boys locker room.

"We do now."

Cartman took out one of the condoms from the girl's private stash, waving it teasingly in his hand at Wendy.

When Wendy tackled the much larger boy, they both knew it was going to be a long night.

TBC 


	12. final chapter

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is the last chapter of this story. I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Thanks to all of my reviewers. I especially want to thank Oyaji291 for helping me out on it. I also want to apologize to lovers of Craig/Tweek and Pip/Damien. I completely forgot about those pairings during my references to all the major South Park fanfic couples. I may have had someone randomly mention Tweek/Craig, but I can't remember. I tried to work those pairings into this last chapter in a humorous way, but honestly, it felt forced. Rather than force a joke, or any time to a character that hasn't been important to the story, I'd rather just not do it at all. Enjoy and read and review! I'm glad all you slashers can take a joke. :)

The next day Kenny walked into the slash club meeting room for possibly the last time. Butters was right at his boyfriend's side, their hands locked together in a public display of affection. Needless to say, the girls still found it cute. They all giggled as the blonde boys took their seats, which were now always next to one another. Cartman walked in behind them. He gave his "cheating ex-lover" a pre-trial glare and took a seat himself. Kenny observed that Cartman was carrying a briefcase and decked out in a suit and tie for this particular meeting, while himself and Butters were in their regular school attire. Cartman was obviously taking this very seriously.

The parade of guest stars to the slash club meeting wasn't over just yet. Ike entered the room next, followed by Stan and Kyle. Kyle looked at his brother curiously.

"Why are you in here?" he asked.

"I'm testifying for Cartman's side," Ike explained.

"You're WHAT?!" Kyle said.

"You're WHAT?!" Kenny repeated.

First the fancy suit, now a witness of sorts to whatever fib he'd cooked up. Without question, Cartman was going to be hard to beat. Kenny glanced over at Butters, nervous and unsure of their chances of winning. Luckily Butters did what he always seems to do regardless of the circumstances life deals him. He flashed a warm smile, assuring Kenny it was going to be okay. Kenny couldn't help but smile back.

"Ike, what the hell?" Kyle said in disappointment. "Why would you mess up Kenny's life like that! That's not cool."

"Cartman's making me!!" the younger boy whined. "Why are you guys here anyway?"

"To support Kenny," Stan said.

"AWWW!!!" the girls squealed.

Kyle and Stan sighed in unison. "Let it pass. They'll get tired of it soon enough," Kyle said. Whether he was talking to Stan or muttering to himself wasn't clear.

"Okay, today we're going to get this trial over with," Wendy said as she finally began the meeting. She gave a sly wink Stan and Kyle's way as she said "Enjoy those pictures on your desks everyone." The boys hung their heads in shame.

The Stan/Kyle pictures were all turned face up. A huge collective gasp for breath filled the room. What followed was quite possibly the biggest, most ear-splitting "AWWWW!!!!" the girls had let out to date. It forced all the males in the room to cover their ears with their hands.

"Who's first?" Wendy asked.

"Dibs!" Cartman called out. He pulled a large book out of his briefcase and stepped up to the front of the room. He opened the book and turned a few pages. The now visible cover revealed that the book was a dictionary.

"Ladies, this is a very simple case," Cartman began. "The dictionary defines the word 'boyfriend' as 'A man who is the lover of a young girl or young woman.' ...Oops. Um..."

He looked further down the page. From her seat, Wendy rolled her eyes at his stupidity. Apparently his preparation the night before hadn't gone so well.

"The -second- definition of 'boyfriend' is this: 'A favored male companion or sweetheart.' Ladies, Kenny McCormick was supposed to be my boyfriend. But he lied to me. He lied, and he cheated. I intend to prove that Kenny does not deserve to remain in your fine organization. Thank you."

A few faint yawns were heard coming from the back of the room. Somewhere outside, crickets began to chirp. The slash girls sighed happily, all of them continuing to look at the pictures of Stan and Kyle and pay no attention whatsoever to the dramatic story of the trial. The pictures of Kyle and Stan had been drawn to their attention, and now nothing else mattered.

"Focus!" Wendy ordered her fellow women. It couldn't be a fair trial if none of them listened to the boys when they presented their cases. The girls' heads snapped upward from the photos, making Wendy smile. At least she had her power back. Any girl who got photos of Kyle and Stan together deserved that respect.

"Can we like, get to the verdict already?" one of the bored girls asked.

"No!" Cartman barked. "We're having a trial, and you're gonna listen to what I have to say! Respect my authoritah!"

"But we -can- speed this along," Wendy decided. "Call your witnesses."

"I only have one. Ike, get your ass up here," Cartman said.

Ike walked up to the front of the room. As the Canadian took a seat, Cartman held up his dictionary.

"Do you swear to tell the whole truth so help you God?"

"You're supposed to swear on a Bible," Wendy complained to the fat boy.

"He's a Jew," Cartman reminded her. "Being around the book of the one true God would make him burst into flames."

"FUCK YOU CARTMAN!" Kyle shoted from his seat.

Cartman began to pace back and forth in front of Ike's seat, much like a crossexamining lawyer would do. "Ike, tell the club what happened to you on the fifteenth of this month."

Ike blushed. He hated being forced into saying what he was about to say, but it was still better than facing the wrath of his mother. He blushed and spit out the lie Cartman had written, and even rehearsed with him, before the trial.

"Kenny McCormick...h-had sex with me..."

Uncomfortable silence filled the room. Butters' jaw nearly hit the floor when he heard the words come out of Ike's mouth. Kyle instinctively leapt out of his chair, ready to kill the boy who allegedly corrupted his kid brother. Stan tried to hold him back, but was failing.

"HEY! That's fucking bullshit!"" Kenny said. He seemed to be just as shocked as everyone else was about the accusation.

Trying to maintain some order, Wendy told Kenny "You'll get your turn to defend yourself."

"Please go on Ike," Cartman insisted. Ike sighed, recalling what Cartman had told him to say next.

"Um...K-Kenny, well, Kenny rode me like a horse. It was..." Ike paused, sighing and glaring slightly at Cartman as he continued. "It was...really good, and I love it. Just like the rest of the Jews."

"What the FUCK, Ike?!" Kenny growled.

Ike shrugged. "Sorry. He's been giving me candy."

Kyle groaned and buried his head in Stan's shoulder. He was officially humiliated and currently hated his family very, very much.

"That'll do," Cartman said. A huge grin formed on his face. "Well then, if Kenny's already cheated on me with you, what reason would there be to believe that Kenny never cheated on me with that homewrecker Butters? I rest my case."

Wendy sighed, rolling her eyes once again. Personally. she didn't buy the story at all. "All right, Kenny? You have a witness?"

Kenny gulped. "Um, no."

Cartman smirked as he sat back down. His victory seemed assured. Ike hurriedly left the front of the class, joining Stan and Kyle. They all glared at the fat boy, while the girls briefly went back to staring at Kyle and Stan.

"Oh jeez, w-we're in trouble huh?" Butters whispered to his man.

Kenny sighed and looked downward, feeling defeated. In his mind, this had now officially gone too far. This whole thing started out as fun and games. At least in Kenny's opinion they were. It was Kenny and Cartman, bullshit artists extraordinare, seeing who could con more girls into buying their fictional story. Now Cartman had somehow gotten Ike to flat out lie. It was too much to take. A lie like that could effect Kenny in numerous ways. His reputation within South Park, his newfound relationship with Butters, his face being rearranged by Kyle. All of it could be effected if he didn't do something right now. This whole thing would surely just continue to escalate. It would get uglier and uglier as new parts of the backstory were invented. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't lie his way out of this one. If he did, Cartman would just top that lie and the cycle would continue. The only way out was to tell the truth.

Kenny slowly got up from his seat. He held his head up high as he walked to the front of the room, while glaring at Cartman.

"First of all, I don't fuck minors. That shit lands you in jail," Kenny said. "What Ike said isn't true. He's lying, and I can prove it."

"How?" Wendy asked.

Kenny sighed. "Because on the fifteenth...I wasn't even gay yet..."

The girls gasped. The girls began whispering to one another, seriously growing concerned with the trial now. Kenny continued.

"The truth is, I didn't even know I liked guys until Butters came along, and that was at the end of the month. Everything that Cartman says is false. He's the one who doesn't belong in the slash club, and you know how I know? Because we were never fucking together to begin with!"

Cartman nervously looked from side to side, catching angry glares from everyone. "H-heh, Kenny? What're you doing?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Telling the truth!"

"The TRUTH?!" Cartman snapped. "God dammit since when does the truth matter?! This is a trial!"

Cartman obviously wasn't expecting such an honest defense. Kenny had him wobbling. Now it was time to knock him out. The girls still might not like the true story, but if Kenny was getting kicked out, he was taking Cartman down with him. He continued.

"Look, I'm gonna be honest with all of you. When I first joined this club, it was to...meet girls."

The room gasped, including BUtters.

"I know, I know! I lied to all of you and I'm sorry. But so did Cartman! He only joined this club because I tricked him, and then he tried to say he was my boyfriend so I couldn't get chicks. I fucked up and said Butters was mine, because I thought I could play along with the bullshit. But then...Well, you all saw what me and Butters did in here. And you saw how much I liked it. I still do. Me and Butters, we fucking love men. We love each other! That's what slash is all about isn't it?" he asked the girl jury. "Cartman doesn't love slash like I do. He doesn't love it at all. He's the one you should kick out. Me and Butters really are together now, and we're happy that way. Cartman just wants me out of this club. He wants me to not be happy. Most importantly, he wants me separated from Butters during meetings. Cartman doesn't even -like- guys! So please, let me stay in the club and kick his fat ass out. I guess that's all."

Wendy blinked, taking in Kenny's words.

"...so this club...made you gay?" she asked.

"Pretty much."

The girls began chit-chatting amongst themselves, debating the evidence.

"What're they gonna do?" Stan asked. Kyle shrugged.

Kenny sat back down in his seat. "You forgive me?" he asked Butters.

Butters smiled that great smile again. "Aw heck, forgiving's what couples do." He placed a kiss on Kenny's cheek.

Wendy approached Cartman, leaning over his desktop to stare down at him angrily. She made sure to give him a nice view of her cleavage as she spoke in a low whisper.

"I knew it! No gay guy could do what you did!"

Cartman whispered back, smiling. "So you liked it then?"

"That's not the point! God you're an asshole!!"

Just like on his first day in the club, Wendy slapped Cartman across the face. It drew the attention of everyone in the room. Wendy cleared her throat and composed herself.

"Have you reached a verdict?" Wendy asked.

"We can't. We're split on the decision," Bebe announced.

Wendy smiled wickedly. "Oh? Well then, I guess it's up to me."

"Oh, shit..." Cartman muttered.

"Cartman's guilty!" she declared. "The punishment is expulsion from the club, tar and feathering, and removal of his penis. By force if necessary."

Cartman stared at her, wide-eyed. "...R...Removal of my WHAT?! We never agreed to THAT rule!"

"Yeah, well, it's MY club," Wendy said with an innocent smile.

"YOU FUCKING DYKE!!!"

All the slash club members stood up out of their chairs, grabbing at Cartman's arms and legs before he could argue with Wendy any further. He whined and protested, but was eventually dragged back to the front of the room, literally kicking and screaming.

Wendy produced a bucket from behind the large teacher's desk. Though she was tempted to do the job herself, she handed the metal bucket handle off to Kenny. With a happy smile he turned the bucket over, dumping its far and feather contents right onto Cartman's head.

"Aw-Aww!!!" Cartman said.

"All right everyone, time to get his dick!" Wendy called.

"NO!!"

The adrenaline pumping through him, Cartman finally burst free of the gaggle with Hulk-like strength, running out of the classroom as fast as he could. A few giggling females chased after him. Wendy stayed behind. Despite ordering Cartman's castration, she couldn't bring herself to actually do it. Based on the events of the previous night, she knew she would be unable to reach inside his pants and think about cause pain. That is, unless he was into that sort of thing.

"Well, I guess we're still in the club," Butters said.

"Yeah" Kenny smiled.  
The blonde boys kissed to celebrate. Stan and Kyle began to kiss as well, for no real reason. The remaining girls in the classroom stared at the two male couples.

"Is it just me, or is slash not that fun anymore?" Heidi asked.

"Yeah" Bertha agreed. "Now that everyone's doing it, it's just not as cool."

Bebe looked to her best friend. "Wendy, I think you know what you have to do."

Wendy nodded her head. She went to the door and took down the sign that promoted that particular classroom as the after-school meeting place of the slash club.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," she said with a sigh. "Stan? Kyle? I'm sorry I got so obsessed with you guys. Can you forgive me?"

Still kissing, Stan and Kyle simultaneously mumbled something or other that was presumed to be a "yes."

Off in the distance, Cartman screamed for mercy. He returned to the meeting area a moment later with a large, still dripping blood stain forming on the crotch of his pants. Shaking and pale, he took a magic marker from out of his pants pocket.

"Kyle?"

Kyle finally broke the kiss with Stan, surprised to hear his name called.

"Yes?"

"I just want you to know you don't have to worry about the 'I hate Kyle' club anymore."

He smiled. "I don't?"

"No, I'm changing it. I actually found something I hate even more than you."

Cartman walked across to his meeting room door. Taking the magic marker, he drew a line through the word "Kyle" on the door's sign. Underneath in its place, he wrote a new word.

His anti-Kyle club was rechristened the "I hate girls" club.

THE END 


End file.
